Chubs’ Snip N’ Store

I’ve decided to venture into my newest business—Chubs’ Snip N’ Store! Unbeknownst to many, the leftover “snippings” (for lack of a better word) after circumcision have amazing medical benefits! I will store your frozen snippets for a small upfront fee of $1,500, and a yearly fee of $500. Who knows what secrets the snips may hold, but, with science these days, it’s worth a save, eh?

Is Chubs getting cooky? No, I’m just citing a similar program that you’ve likely heard of—storing umbilical cord blood. It’s got loads and loads cells, the good kind! Embryonic! In this week’s Newsweek, a lengthy article stated that although one child was miraculously saved from Ceberal Palsy after a cord blood transfusion (his parents are now spokespeople for Cord Blood Registry), science has yet to prove the cells will be useful later in life. And by later in life, I mean less than 12 years of age, because there’s only enough blood cells in a cord to fully help a child, not an adult. Has the phrase “for a limited time only!” ever been so literal? Plus, Bush has placed so many restrictions on stem cell research, the little bloody buddies in the freezer—and all their fantastic uses—will be left undiscovered.

So, is it worth the cash? The Cord Blood Registry seems to think so. Just think. The chance of a baby falling out of a crib and damaging, oh, say, their lungs, is high enough that without precious stem cells, they could die!!!!

Did I mention there’s public medical banks for this all this shiz anyway? Oh, to make a buck…