Waitering

"There's a whole lotta' Mexican goin' on...goin on at Taco Johns!"

How I love to serenade Chops with his taco jingles these days. His response is usually, "Hey! After 4 years, I was shift manager! SHIFT Manager! That was like, 8 bucks an hour! Back in '01, that's mad money! Shut it!"

I've also had my fair share of restaurant experiences. Allow me to share.

Freshman year of college, I worked at Blimpies Subs and Salads inside the cafeteria. Yes, inside. I was one of those creepy cafeteria workers that dished up tater tots and sneezed into my rubber gloves before hashing up a 5 gallon tub of mystery jello. I thought this would be a good job to have, and, for the most part, it wasn't bad. Except for Sundays--Sundays were hell.

Sunday's shift was 4-10 pm. Mind you, that's six straight hours of uninterrupted work. Six straight hours. To the freshman college student, this is already five hours and thirty minutes too long. To put it simply, I hated Sundays because the day before it was Saturday. Saturday was, well, "house party" night back in the day...and come Sunday at 4 pm, throngs of hungover freshman in sweatpants would come rolling in...

Fellow Hungover Freshman: "Yeah, uhh...can I get um, a turkey on wheat? Wait a minute...you look familiar. Do you live in Coate hall?"

Me: "Yes." *looks down at turkey*

FHF: "Yeah man! You were at that killer party last night! Was that you who I saw fall down the stairs while trying to show off doublefisting? Hey guys! Come here! It's that girl who fell last night! Man, you got bruises or somethin' ?"

Me: "Lettuce on that?"

..and so on, and so forth. One sweatpanted customer after another...until 10 pm.

Blimpies was ok, but, nothing beats waiting on tourists. Absolutely nothing.
I waited tables at a restaurant (location undisclosed for legal purposes) for two summers in the Dells. By July, I'd had my fair share of all of the following:

Unflattering swimming suits lined by fanny packs
"Can he just eat off of my salad bar? He's under six." (Very large in menu = Children's salad bar under six, $1.99)
"So uh, what's Leinies? Is that like, a crappy local beer?"
"Can I get uh, uh Bud Lite? I left my ID in the car..."
"Do you guys cut your pizza like they do in Chicago?"
"We've been swimming all day. We're hungry. Can you just sneak us a few extra pieces of cheese bread?"
"Is that White House looking thing up on the corner any fun?"
"Can you heat this water up for me? But not too hot, it's for the baby."
"What?! You guys close at midnight?! But we just came from Marley's!"
"You're such a sweetie. Keep the change!" (.39 tip enclosed)
"You wanna put this Cognac in a to-go cup for me?"
"Noah's Rush comin' in!"

I could go on forever--you wouldn't believe the characters the Dells brought out!